Looking For Ward 3/24/07

March 24th, 2007

Dear Ward,

Another letter you will probably never get. But I need to talk to someone, and right now my options are extremely limited.

My mother wants me to form a plan of action for our wedding day, deciding in advance what I will do both if you show up and if you don’t. I haven’t answered her yet, because I have no idea what to do. Things are so messed up right now that I can barely decide what to eat for breakfast, let alone who I should spend the rest of my life with.

I’m afraid Owen and I might be in love with each other. I never used to think it was possible to be in love with two people at once, but now I’m not so sure. Not that it’s getting me anywhere. You would think with two guys in the picture I wouldn’t feel so alone, but the opposite is true.

Meanwhile, I can’t talk to Bethany either. She’s devastated about Owen. I don’t know what makes someone’s heart beat for someone else; I suppose it would be easier if we could choose who we love. But we both know that’s not possible.

I need to finally admit to myself that things were weird between us before you left. That argument we had about kids – I just didn’t understand why you wouldn’t want to have them. Now, knowing what a screwed up childhood you had it makes more sense. Yet lately when I’ve been trying to hate you, my mind is filled instead with memories of all our good times, like when you took me fishing, or when you took care of me when I had the flu. Or Florida. I have entire mental photo albums devoted to our relationship, and my mind refuses to stop paging through them.

I worry that all we have left are our memories. I’m beginning to wonder if you are part of an entire phase of my life that it’s time to leave behind. I guess I’m just trying to figure out if I do still love you, or if I’m holding onto something that is already gone. If you happen to know the answer, please let me know. It will help me form the plan of action that my mother wanted me to have completed yesterday.

Where are you? I need you to come back.
Love (I think, still…)
Chloe


LAUREL OSTERKAMP
author of FOLLOWING MY TOES
www.laurelosterkamp.com

COPYRIGHT LAUREL OSTERKAMP 2007. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.