Lesson of a Lifetime (Movies for Women)

I admit it. I love Lifetime Movies for Women. What’s not to love? Beautiful people – but not so beautiful that they don’t look real – doing things like battling mysterious terminal illnesses, running from crazy stalkers who seemed normal when they moved in next door, extorting corrupt ex-husbands while falling in love with the adorable yet gruff looking police chief who is on the case, and saving their daughters from combinations of eating disorders, venereal diseases, prostitution rings, and the pressures of making it into the Ivey League, all while driving an affordable yet trendy car and sporting a similar wardrobe, hair cut, and living situation.
If the dialogue, storylines, and acting in these films are tired or trite, then they’re made up for with a combination of campiness and comforting predictability. I usually watch them in half hour segments, early in the morning, while I am working out in my living room. That’s right, I start my mornings with Lifetime Movies for Women, and their resonance stays with me throughout the day. Perhaps it’s because I never watch them all in one sitting, but rather, stretched out over a 3 to 4 day period, that I think about and analyze them during my down time, like when I’m driving to and from work, eating lunch at my desk, or going to the bathroom. Whatever. I’ve been devoting a lot of thought to these films, while others see them as skimming the bottom of the television food-chain.
I don’t think that way. These movies actually have value. And they’re not all the same; although you wouldn’t know it by how they’re rated. I have digital cable, and when I press the information button on my remote to find out more about any given film, I always check out how many stars the film received. Nine times out of ten, it’s been given two stars. Every now and then one will get two and half stars, and I’ll know this movie must be truly special and I’ll record it. I never record the ones that get one and a half stars (I’ve come across a few that have), and the only time I’ve ever seen one get three stars is if it’s a replay of a Hollywood film. I have NEVER come by a movie on Lifetime that’s gotten four stars. I suspect that four stars are reserved for films that aren’t meant just for women.
So if they’re all rated the same, how do I choose? I have a few criteria. Anything that’s about high school girls or young mothers (I teach high school and have a young child), anything that’s scary-suspenseful, or anything with Shannen Doherty (I just like her) is a green light. Tori Spelling are Jenny Garth are both yellow lights; so are stalker stories and/or court-room dramas. Anything starring Melissa Gilbert or that was made before 1998 is pretty much a red-light; unlike wine, these films do not get better with age.
Anyway, I have decided I have been spending too many hours watching then mulling over these films to have nothing to show for it. So I am going to record my thoughts, and tell you or anyone who cares enough to read this, what I’ve learned from watching. In other words, I am ready to share with the world my Lessons of a Lifetime Movies for Women.
More is Coming Soon!